Everything that happens is future history. Weird, huh?

First post of my brand new blog! Exciting, and . . . yeah, not a little scary. I suppose I ought to start things off by explaining who I am, and what this is, and why it's here.

Due to long conditioning on behalf of my mother and Law and Order: SVU (OMG did you know that on the internet you can be anyone you want to be? You could all be axe murderers!) I'm going to refrain from giving too much personal identifying information. Old habits are hard to break. But basically, I am a white(ish) female in her late twenties, who lives in that great expanse of space in the middle of the U.S. I am overweight; actually, according to my BMI, I am morbidly obese. Ah, hell, let's just say it.

I'm fat.

There, I think we all feel a little better now, don't we?

I'm going to use that word, because a big part of what this blog's purpose is to help me come to terms with myself. All of me--and yes, there is a lot--including the parts I don't like so much. So I'm going to call myself fat, because I am, and I'm not going to apologize for it. It's taken me many, many years to realize that it's really nobody's business but my own. That if someone doesn't want to look at me, they can turn away. That I deserve respect, and consideration, and yes, love. Fat is not a moral failing. It's just fat.

Be aware, I'm also probably going to be talking a bit about diet and exercise. However, if I start talking about weight loss specifically you have my permission to give me a good solid Internet Slap. Not because I'm anti-weight loss, but because I've spent far too much of my life focusing on that as the reason and motivation behind anything healthy that I tried, as well as some stuff that probably wasn't healthy. What I need to focus on now is getting healthy, not on dropping pounds. If the one leads to the other, great. If it doesn't, well, I'm getting to be okay with that.

I've had issues with my weight, and with ridiculously low self-esteem, for more or less my entire life. I was a fat baby, and a heavy child, and kids can be vicious. (So can adults; kids just haven't learned to couch things in socially-acceptable terms yet. More on this later, probably.) I grew up being ashamed of what I looked like, and believing deep down that every insult, every slight that I experienced was no more or less than what I deserved. After a while, I didn't even need those; they were so deeply ingrained that I was my own worst, cruelest critic.

This isn't to say that I've been walking around in a deep, dark depression all my life. Most of the time I'm okay. Self-conscious and introverted, but okay. Every so often, though, I have particularly dark periods. This past week I hit one of those low points, and for the first time ever I thought to turn to the internet to see if just maybe there was someone out there who understood, someone who was talking about it, someone who might have had some advice on how to cope.

I found BFD. If you've never been there, go now. It's a wonderful, warm, supportive place run by ladies far smarter and better-informed than I am. And it made me realize that maybe I'm okay just the shape I am. Could I be healthier? Yes, and I should. I should get up, get out, move around because hey, the human body is amazing and can do amazing things. And because when you're healthy, you feel better. But if I'm healthy and fit, if I'm eating right and exercising and I'm still fat?

Well . . . so the fuck what?

This isn't just about me, though. There are other people out there who are feeling or have felt the same things I have. There are things to talk about, stories and opinions to share. We all have our stories of how we got here; how we feel about ourselves; hurts we've had along the way; good things that have happened. And there's a whole world out there full of things to talk about. Body image in the media and society in general, how to deal with and combat prejudice, how to keep from being prejudiced ourselves, how to lace a corset (I have to look this up every time, damn it), etc. I imagine The Patriarchy will probably be discussed. Basically, if you're reading this and you have something you want to talk about, let me know. I'm opinionated, but surely I'll run out of things to talk about eventually.

I hope this helps. You, and me, and all of us.